Seven Days on Tinder

Dear “Tinder boys”,

It’s because of you lot I get this app, then delete it again, because in this day and age, it’s so hard to meet someone decent, but it’s also hard to meet anyone the traditional way. Trust me, I’ve tried and I look like a crazy person.

There are three types of chap on Tinder:

  • Stallions – the playboys who are only after one thing
  • Donkeys with an ice cream cone on their head – the rebound kind who will say all the right things but then go back to their ex
  • Unicorns – these are the rare kind who you could actually settle down with



If you have a lot of pictures with a dog, don’t tell me it’s your parents’ and we have to date for six months before I get to pet it – that’s false advertising.

And to the boys that have “reviews” on their bio – and I do mean reviews – from their exes or teachers or whoever else… I’m not interested in whether your mother rates you a 5/5 – I’ll be the bloody judge of that.

Congratulations if you are six feet tall or above. Being able to reach the top shelf in the shop is not a personality trait.

To the boys that like to catfish us with their snapchat filters – Are you the sun? Because if so, you’re going to have to stay 20 million miles away from me, matey.

If you’re a “wine me, dine me, 69 me” kind of guy, I’m afraid you’ll be dining alone…

Now moving on to the playboys. The ones that barely show you their face but are only too happy to show you their chest or downstairs area. Believe it or not, girls don’t like cheap guys that every woman has had. It’s not exactly screaming out “husband material”, it’s more screaming out STI!

The group fake-out boys. You know, those of you that have as your picture the shot of the entire football team – so which one are you? Plus, if you surround yourself with your hot mates, I’m more likely to fancy them than you. Also, dishonorable mention goes to the guys who have a picture with an emoji over the girl stood next to them. We know that’s your ex darling.

The cheaters. First rule of Tinder… perhaps take your wedding ring off in your pictures, I’m not here to be your mistress – just saying!

A word of advice – make your face actually visible because I’m not interested in seeing what your face looks like from outer space. And if you edit yourself to make yourself look like you’re 6’3″, but when I meet you your shorter than me, how do you think that’s going to go down?

If, after all that, you manage to impress me enough to schedule a date with me, but decide to flake, you ought to come up with a better excuse than “my friend got stabbed last night” because boy, we can check the local news…

But ladies, please don’t give up, I’ve discovered a magical unicorn so there’s hope for us after all.



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